Narcisism - Spotting the next harmful relationship

You've just met someone new and they seem absolutely perfect,.. your dream partner. It's full on, it's exciting and they tell you how great you are together. 

Out of the blue, they reveal something bad that happened to them. Now you feel angry, yet more emotionally connected and determined to help them through it.

But, stop and think...

There's a few things going on here that I've experienced a number of times. You might find it hugely flattering that somebody seems to feel so strongly about you, but stop for a second and consider, is this how normal people act, or does it just feel too good to be true? And why did they rush into telling you their dark secret?

Let's take things one point at a time.

1. They seem perfect for you.

What are the odds that you actually have found someone who's a perfect match in every way?

They might:-

• like your music tastes.
• like the TV shows you watch.
• fit in too well with your friends and family.
• share your sense of humour.
• closely share your values.

In fact they seem to be a one in a million match!

This is what's known as "mirroring". Narcissists are masters at finding out things about you and playing them back at you. They will appear to like everything you do, and maybe even change how they look to suit your preference. You've fallen in love with a version of yourself, and once they have you trapped these matches will slowly evaporate.

2. It's full on and exciting.

I know new relationships can be "all consuming", and that high levels of attention make you feel like this relationship is the most important thing that's ever happened to you, but this time your spider-senses are tingling and you don't know why. They do things that other people don't do, it doesn't feel quite right, and you're a little confused by it. They're over-willing to share things with you, almost to the level of being inappropriate.

They might:-

• be too keen to tell you their inner-most thoughts.
• pressure you into rushing the relationship.
• repeatedly ask about the bad things in your life.
• use hyperbolic phrases like "we're a perfect match", even though you've only just met.
• send an excessive number of text messages.
• send saucy photos, or photos that make themselves look better than they are.

Rushing intimacy is a classic sign of the narcissist. These "love bombing" techniques are a way of drawing you in quickly because they really aren't in love with you. They will lie and manipulate you to get what they want and then find ways to isolate you from your family and friends so they stay in control.

3. Then there's that bad thing that happened to them.

This should be the wake up call! Something terrible happened to them and they're keen to tell you. It often comes out of the blue and when you try and find out more the story goes cold, or the details are sketchy. These things are carefully designed to traumatise you and tap into your empathy in a strong way. (Your empathy,.. that's why they chose you!)

Here's a few of my experiences..

• They were raped by (some anonymous) babysitter when they were fifteen but never told their parents or the police. The fact there was no reason for their parents to have a babysitter was completely missed by me at the time.
• An Iraq war soldier committed suicide by stepping out in front of a high speed train while they waited on the platform. They tell you about how were sprayed with blood and are struggling to deal with the trauma. I understand how devastating PTSD can be, but I'm sure if this had really happened it would have made it into the news.
• They repeatedly told me that nobody had ever really loved them, talked about how cruel their childhood had been, and how badly their Ex had treated them. They knew about narcissism before I did and seemed free about who they hung that label on. Eventually they accused me of being the narcissist and that I'd never meant anything to them once I'd moved on to another relationship.

It's a sort of coping mechanism fuelled by denial and delusion that drives the narcissist to paint themselves as the "perpetual victim in life". Often their claims might be based on some grain of truth (thought not necessarily theirs), but the story will be enlarged and twisted to meet their manipulative ends. It becomes obvious only later that none of those claims are in any way verifiable.

What comes next?

In my case I never saw all the subtle undermining and isolation techniques that were being used against me. I only found out about them years later. Things might have been going great at the time, but that was immaterial. You can be sure they'll be spreading little tales about how you are unreasonable or cruel in some way, and everyone will be sworn to secrecy. Your friends and family won't come round so often, and you'll steadily give away what matters to you for an easy life. You'll assume you're just going though a rough patch, and it'll get better...

... but it never does!