Narcissism - Maybe it's Not Always Obvious

I was Wrong

In my last blog I stated that I didnt believe my ex-wife was narcissistic, but I was wrong. It wasn't until I posted a link onto the reddit group, raisedbynarcissists that somebody put me straight.

lituritu said..
"It is possible that she is just toxic. But it is also possible that he just doesn't see her as narcissistic simply because he doesn't know what a narcissist is and how they behave. Most of the bullet points really point to the latter.

I have to say though, this sounds very familiar to many of the experiences we share here with covert narcissism, all the way down to the "She thinks her brother has it easier" (aka. she is the best at suffering..).

She was even treated poorly by her own narcissist mother, and I very much recognize even that horrible tension at the dinner table that he writes about."

It's true, I'd only considered the classical meaning inspired by the Greek mythological hunter who was in love with his own reflection. She dresses in a dowdy, haphazard way, never wearing make-up or caring much about how she looks, so it's an easy mistake to make.

Narcissus by Caravaggio

I hadn't considered the wider implications of narcissism, and how it impacts those around them. After a bit of googling I found this simple test.

It's a simple quiz where you score 0 to 5 against each, where 0 = never, and 5 = all the time. I did my best to rank her against what I'd experienced while we were married, and after we'd split.

[3] - unilateral listening (I’m right, you’re wrong)
[1] - It's all about me.
[3] - the rules don’t apply to me.
[4] - your concerns are really criticisms of me.
[4] - I’m right, you’re wrong
[4] - I'm quick to get angry (you need to apologise)

That gives a total score of 19, which equates to "significant narcissistic habits that probably do not serve you well."

But it should be noted that many of the well known traits are either missing or hidden from her behaviour. I scored her against this list I found on wikipedia from a book about power-hungry narcissists:-

No -  An obvious self-focus in interpersonal exchanges
No -  Problems in sustaining satisfying relationships
Yes - A lack of psychological awareness
Yes - Difficulty with empathy
Yes - Problems distinguishing the self from others (see personal boundaries)
Yes - Hypersensitivity to any insults or imagined insults (see criticism)
Yes - Vulnerability to shame rather than guilt
No -  Haughty body language
Yes - Flattery towards people who admire and affirm them (narcissistic supply)
Yes - Detesting those who do not admire them (narcissistic abuse)
Yes - Using other people without considering the cost of doing so
No -  Pretending to be more important than they actually are
No -  Bragging (subtly but persistently) and exaggerating their achievements
No -  Claiming to be an "expert" at many things
No -  Inability to view the world from the perspective of other people
Yes - Denial of remorse and gratitude

So perhaps there's some truth in the notion of covert narcissism.

In Retrospect

She'd suffered with depression for a long time. She told me about it once, about how it had grown out of post-natal depression. But I always assumed it was still with her after 9 years because of the medication she was taking. I think deep down there are some real struggles she was trying to come to terms with, such as having to share parental responsibility.

What I hadn't expected, was hearing about how she used to visit my folks and best friend claiming "I wouldn't talk to her" when we first got together. I know it would put me in a mood if I wasn't involved in decisions that affected me, and I typically retreated inwards. For the record, I had no say in getting a pet cat, naming my first child, which school he went to, and uncountless other more trivial things. After we'd split, she cited my inability to cope as mental cruelty, like I'd carefully planned it to hurt her.

In addition to this revelation, she stated some crap about these behaviours changing the chemistry in her brain, and that once this had happened it could never be undone. This (apparently) was well known science that I could research on google. I looked and never found anything, but by this stage she'd started to make stuff up to win arguments. It was just something she pulled out of her arse as a reason for not coming to marriage counselling with me.

A load more lies came after that, once solicitors became involved. It put her into a position of power to have ridiculous legal spouting letters flying back and forth, insisting that I could only see my children via a chaperone centre and that I wasn't allowed to see my oldest son because social services were investigating me. I'll give her credit, it worked for a bit, then I just started meeting the kids from school and ignoring her letters. She soon arranged regular access after that.

Narcissistic - The signs are not always black and white, but I don't think there's any doubt here!