A letter of warning to my son

A couple of weeks ago my oldest son left home and moved into a flat close to where he was working. Unfortunately it's also closer to where his narcissistic mother lives and I was quite alarmed to hear on my first visit to hear how much she'd started to "reel him back in" for narcissistic supply. She's already tricked him into supplying her with a key and he now thinks she deserves to be trusted again.

I told him at the time that I thought his loyalty was misguided and followed up with this email..


Son,
When I was a kid I was heavily influenced by my father, but in a slightly different way to your experience. The outcome was nevertheless the same. It ruined my life, causing me to make poor choices and left me broken.

Often my Dad would go into a rage or be a bit too brutal, then later realise he'd been a dick. But he'd never, ever say I'm sorry or promise never to do it again. What he'd do instead was pretend it hadn't happened and try to buy back your love with money or a gift, or an offer to do something nice. It felt good to get something, but after a while you realise the cycle never ends.

This is starting to happen to you again... look at the facts:
  • Your Mum has treated you badly most of your life, and what she did to you after kicking you out was horrendous! (If kicking you out of the house right before your exams wasn't bad enough)
  • She took revenge on you after you turned your back on her, reporting you to social services twice.
  • She refuses to talk about this, or the fact she kicked you out.
  • She's buying back your love with gifts and trips to resturants.
  • She already has over-stepped her mark by tricking you out of a door key.
  • She has already started over-ruling you on who can come round to your house and when.

I'm a little shocked because I thought you'd been educated to the dangers of a narcissistic parent, but you (as I have been in the past) are way too trusting and are naive if you think she's doing these "nice" things out of the goodness of her heart. They NEVER get better and they NEVER change their behaviour, so don't play games with yourself thinking she will.

Instead, ask yourself the question, "why is she doing these things, when in the last two years she's done nothing to help you?"

... you already have convinced yourself that, "she's been loads of help". Why do you think she did that as soon as you left my house?

Ultimately I knew this was likely to happen, but remember she can only pull you back in for narcissistic supply if you let her. Don't give her leverage over you by giving her keys, or by allowing her to organise your life. Dependancy is a really difficult thing to deal with when it's used against you. (and it WILL happen)

So don't be complacent, don't pass it off as something that you can handle, or that doesn't matter much. Trust me, she has you out-gunned (just as she did me), but the one thing you have that should be your salvation is the knowledge about how her mind works. There are hundreds of examples like yours of mothers continuing narcissistic abuse on their children way after they've left home on the reddits and abuse forums, so don't think that what you're going through is special. It follows a specific pattern, and it's something that can be dealt with if you find out how.

Okay here's the deal,.. this is your life, you can do what you want. I freed you once, but I can't pretect you any more. I've done what I can to show you the truth, the rest is up to you. Stand up for yourself and don't be intimidated when she asks for things. If she catches you off-guard, tell her you will think about it. Find someone you trust and then talk it over with them first.

Take care, Dad.

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