The Mother of all Problems

I'm not entirely sure how to describe my relationship with my mother, at present it is non-existent but she is still present in my head. I don't justify myself in my mind every day, but I do and it happens way too often. It's not helpful that my father is fairly abusive too and their relationship with each other was, and remains, poisonous. We all lived in a giant tinderbox with sparks constantly flying, I seem to remember physical fights from when I was very young, but maybe I imagined them. I definitely didn't imagine the verbal fights, they are still going on and pretty much as vicious as they were then. As a child I just remember wanting to disappear when this happened, the fluttering would start in my stomach and I would want to shrink to nothingness. The arguments would start over anything, and seemed to almost instantaneously blow up into being verbally abusive with my father calling my mother derogatory names. He would attack her intelligence, her weigh