Narcissists - Are They Everywhere?

Introduction

Over my last three blog posts, I've shared what I've learnt about narcissists and how this impacts my children. I've also continued to read more about the subject and investigate other puzzling behaviours from people I've encountered from my past.

It seems to me that the following is true:-
  • Narcissism is a driving force behind a lot of difficult relationships.
  • Narcissism is easily passed down to the next generation.
  • The behaviours of Narcissism are varied, but always destructive.
Today I'm going to focus on "passing down to the next generation" by considering an incident where an old friend decided to cut ties with me.

With Friends Like These.....

I met my friend at University in the early 90's and although we had very different backgrounds, we shared an interest in music and sci-fi, and had a similar sense of humour. Things were going great until we both failed our end-of-year exams. His family only lived a few miles from the university and I was invited to stay for a week that summer while I re-took them. He, on the other hand, decided the course wasn't for him and dropped out.

In my final year I spent a lot of time over at his parent's house and they treated me as if I was one of their own. His mum had a huge heart, was funny and wanted to help me as much as she could. She insisted on doing my laundry and I had regular meal invites twice a week. She was great.

At the time I didn't think too much into that, and certainly hadn't noticed our friendship failing until about five years later. I got him a job working with me in IT Support, and it quickly became clear that there were problems. It wasn't all bad, he came up with some good ideas, and could be very supportive when issues hit the IT office. But here's a brief summary:-
  • His weight had continued to increase (he was well over 20 stone by then), but he refused to discuss it with me, and any attempts to help him were dismissed offhand.
  • He was very sensitive to criticism, yet considered it was acceptable to say whatever he pleased to me.
  • He was generally moody. (some of our friends often referred to him as a prima-donna)
  • He didn't take well to his ideas being rejected, no matter how good my reasoning was.
Eventually (after gaining a few years work experience) another friend found him a job and we parted company. Our friendship was in tatters, but sometime after that I went some way to repairing it by asking him to be the best man at my wedding. I gotta say he did a great job, but as the years rolled on, the relationship slowly worsened again.

The underlying problem was he would tell me my failings in a blunt and authoritive manner, while swearing he had my best interests at heart. Yet if I was critical of him in any way he would become defensive or just cut me off. It happened time after time and I couldn't understand why.

A few days ago it was suggested he might be a narcissist, and it didnt take much thought to make his mannerisms fit. It was another one of those eureka moments for me.

Here was the solution to a 25 year old mystery!! (and I feel stupid for not seeing it before)

So Where Did it Come From?

Well his dear old Mum was very kind and supportive to me, but back then (at least twenty years before she actually died) she'd always drop into conversation that she was dying. The generation gap was twice the normal, so she was in her 60's and a little overweight, but she was full of life. Once I spoke to my friend about it because it worried me, but he seemed very dismissive, like it was something he'd learnt to live with. Also I'd often talk with his mum for hours at a time while he made himself scarce. (a classic divide and conquer movement, although I was oblivious to it at the time)

It wasn't until our final bust up earlier this year that he typed the following line in an email,

"I keep forgetting how much you idolise my Mum, and how little you know."

Right then, I knew two things...
  1. His mum never forgave him for dropping out and probably gave him a hard time.
  2. He couldn't deal with being compared to me as somebody more successful than him.
But, although I lost somebody I'd considered was an old and dear friend, I know that these issues would never be fixed. I now understand what had been happening and have closure. Sure, I still miss being able to share things with him, or asking his opinion, but it's just not worth the pain that goes with it.

I don't hate him, because he I don't believe he could help it. It was the way his mother treated him, passing it down to the next generation. But I do wish he could have talked to me about it twenty years earlier.

Analysis

My Friend
I'd always thought I struggled with this relationship because he was an only child. We seemed to fall out about the stupidest things and he really seemed to hold a grudge for them. I'll admit I wasn't blameless in this, but I definitely got that feeling that we were accumulating baggage. I wasn't the only person this happened to either. A mutual friend was also welcomed into his house as a second son and ultimately the relationship broke down in the same way.

When I look back through the list of traits I posted last time, he only scored highly on the following:-
  • Problems in sustaining satisfying relationships.
  • Hypersensitivity to any insults or imagined insults
  • Vulnerability to shame rather than guilt
But really very little else.

His Parents
The funny thing is that when I first visited his family home there were pictures of him everywhere. They clearly treasured him (or had at one stage), and his Mum never said anything bad about him to me. But the fact that my friend would leave the room, abandonning me to his mum was strange. I can't imagine ever wanting to do that myself.

As for her traits,.. well I saw very little because I was never in conflict with her. But the conststant "I'm dying you know" comments were clearly a cry-out for narcissistic supply.

Towards the end my friend gave up his job to be the full time carer for his parents, and I don't think they ever really thanked him. He told me at the time about problems he'd always had with his father being critical with him, dismissing his ideas as worthless, or just favouring his cousin. Within a couple of years they'd both died and I guess they took the praise that he desperately wanted to their graves.

Summary

It's all about those little 'digs' isn't it!
  • Why couldn't you finish your degree course?
  • You don't spell "separate" like that.
  • Your friend brought me flowers, isn't he great?
These are the tools of the trade for the narcissist. It's seldom anything big, always done privately, and it's relentless.

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