Vulnerabilities of the Empathic
When my marriage ended a few years ago, I was quick to start online dating as a means to trying to fill the void in my life. I was pretty lonely, I'd lost my home, access to my kids and was forced to stay in a bed and breakfast while I found somewhere to rent. While chatting online and meeting people helped drive away some of the isolation, my family members and friends (that cared) expressed concern that I might be too vulnerable.
I wondered at the time if they were right, and when it might pass?
It was an interesting time in my life, and based on some of the women I met, they were right to be a little concerned. But looking back on my life as a whole, I'd say as an empathic person that I've always been vulnerable, and frequently treated poorly.
I've always been attracted to people who are highly opinionated and sure of themselves, although I've never really understood why, until a few months ago. Relationships have followed a similar path and as a result I ended up marrying a covert narcissist/sociopath who manipulated and abused me over 25 years. her "discard", carefully timed on my 47th birthday was a painful blessing that opened the doors for unmasking her behaviour, learning about narcissism and discovering my "life-traps". It has been a journey that has changed my life in a profound way, and it hasn't ended yet.
What I've discovered is that my family can be divided into two sorts of people. Those with selfish, unfeeling, narcissistic or sociopathic tendencies, and those who care, with traits of patience, forgiveness and empathy. But it's like fight club, non of the empathics know they are being controlled & manipulated, and the narcissists are busy fighting the other narcissists and playing secret strategy games to maintain a level of control.
The strategy for control is typically divide and conquer, or "triangulation", which keeps them in a fake role of savior and peace-keeper. They will also pick out someone to put on a pedestal, someone who is pretty, clever, or good at things and boast about them. But while this person might feel special, they are only there to serve a role, and one that leaves them always falling short. They certainly aren't spared the constant undermining that's liberally dished-out. The others will be treated harshly, used as scapegoats and as mere pawns in their games. It doesn't matter what these "scapegoats" do, they will never become valued, no matter how hard they try.
But the amazing thing for the narcissist is that scapegoats just keep on trying anyway.
I'll give you an example...
Recently my Grandmother died and I was told that she'd owned a valuable gold bracelet. She'd been ill for a long time and had been duly nursed until her death by her daughter-in-law (let's call her Angie). But, Angie had long ago been selected for scapegoat duties, so before my Gran's death, she gave the bracelet to my sister, telling her she didn't want Angie to get it and swearing her to secrecy. I've read that narcissists see empathy as a weakness, so all that nursing meant nothing to her other than confirm that Angie deserved no respect.
So here's where I find myself in life. Looking back on the wasteland of a narcissistic marriage and narcissistic friends. The marriage is gone, and so are most of those friends, and it's typically to feel very lonely once this happens. My kids are still under control of their mother, and from time to time they will suffer while she tries to use them against me.
But what I can do is:-
I wondered at the time if they were right, and when it might pass?
It was an interesting time in my life, and based on some of the women I met, they were right to be a little concerned. But looking back on my life as a whole, I'd say as an empathic person that I've always been vulnerable, and frequently treated poorly.
I've always been attracted to people who are highly opinionated and sure of themselves, although I've never really understood why, until a few months ago. Relationships have followed a similar path and as a result I ended up marrying a covert narcissist/sociopath who manipulated and abused me over 25 years. her "discard", carefully timed on my 47th birthday was a painful blessing that opened the doors for unmasking her behaviour, learning about narcissism and discovering my "life-traps". It has been a journey that has changed my life in a profound way, and it hasn't ended yet.
What I've discovered is that my family can be divided into two sorts of people. Those with selfish, unfeeling, narcissistic or sociopathic tendencies, and those who care, with traits of patience, forgiveness and empathy. But it's like fight club, non of the empathics know they are being controlled & manipulated, and the narcissists are busy fighting the other narcissists and playing secret strategy games to maintain a level of control.
The strategy for control is typically divide and conquer, or "triangulation", which keeps them in a fake role of savior and peace-keeper. They will also pick out someone to put on a pedestal, someone who is pretty, clever, or good at things and boast about them. But while this person might feel special, they are only there to serve a role, and one that leaves them always falling short. They certainly aren't spared the constant undermining that's liberally dished-out. The others will be treated harshly, used as scapegoats and as mere pawns in their games. It doesn't matter what these "scapegoats" do, they will never become valued, no matter how hard they try.
But the amazing thing for the narcissist is that scapegoats just keep on trying anyway.
I'll give you an example...
Recently my Grandmother died and I was told that she'd owned a valuable gold bracelet. She'd been ill for a long time and had been duly nursed until her death by her daughter-in-law (let's call her Angie). But, Angie had long ago been selected for scapegoat duties, so before my Gran's death, she gave the bracelet to my sister, telling her she didn't want Angie to get it and swearing her to secrecy. I've read that narcissists see empathy as a weakness, so all that nursing meant nothing to her other than confirm that Angie deserved no respect.
So here's where I find myself in life. Looking back on the wasteland of a narcissistic marriage and narcissistic friends. The marriage is gone, and so are most of those friends, and it's typically to feel very lonely once this happens. My kids are still under control of their mother, and from time to time they will suffer while she tries to use them against me.
But what I can do is:-
- accept I can't stop her making false accusations
- accept she will attempt to badmouth me to the kids
- stop caring about what people think
- stop taking things personally
- provide a good role model
- build a good and happy life around people I value
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