Favouritism - (Part 2) The Long Term Impact

Introduction

In my last post I touched on the impact of my father's favouritism. All three of us have (or have had) relationship breakdowns with my father and none of us have made it into adulthood without issues. As a child, I was the one selected to prop-up his ego, not because I was particularly special in any way, but because I was his oldest son. I grew up with an skewed view on life, finding it difficult to express or defend my opinions, and leaving me vulnerable to other narcissists.

After I grew too old for these duties, I started a life with a new narcissist, later to be known as "my wife, and more recently, ex-wife", or just "The Witch" for short. My father had picked out a replacement favourite from his 2nd wife's granddaughters (let's call her Anthea), and I suddenly found him difficult to deal with.

The day my first son was born, I called my Dad to tell him the news. I'd hoped he'd be as excited as I was, but all he wanted to talk about was bloody Anthea. I wasn't even allowed 10 minutes in the limelight,.. it really was no big deal to him.

At first I thought it was my fault and that I was struggling to cope with not being the favourite anymore. Maybe it's possible, but all he had left for me was criticism and an infinite supply of comparisons with people he considered more successful than me. The more I tried to convey my achievements and worth, the more he'd dismiss or undermine them. It would take me back to how things had been in my childhood, leaving me feeling angry for weeks. I'd mull over and over what I should have said to him, but these things never came to me at the right times. I found I couldn't control these feelings any more than my sister could, so I distanced myself from him, avoiding answering his phone calls until he stopped calling.

Why Have Favourites?

He still continues to have a favourite to this day, desite complaints that it's unfair and hurtful. When confronted, he generally claims to not understand why people get upset, or retreats to the same bullshit story about how the current one deserves his special treatment. But what he's hiding is the fact that it's really about him, why else would he defend it so strongly?

His essential need, more than anything else, is for someone to replace what's missing inside him. Somebody who can't see his failings, who dotes on him and conforms to his demands, allowing him to temporarily forget his inner loathing. So he picks out a receptive child who he can groom and manipulate.

These are the signs of a narcissistic parent, who's true self is introverted and dysfunctional. Without external input they fail to connect with the world, struggle with boundaries and have a low self esteem. They are easily angered by the pressures of life and rather than deal with constant conflict they are likely to disengage or pretend to misunderstand someone's point of view.

My father doesn't care that other people see his favourite being treated in a special way, that's not important to him. So Anthea get's a bike for christmas, while they're fobbed off with twenty quid shoved in an envelope.

Being Selected

Personally I'd prefer to call myself as "previously selected", rather than as "a former favourite", because although I got some preferential treatment, it was a difficult and thankless task. Trying to sustain the feeding of that that ego was just exhausting, and it wasn't long before my behaviour or ability was found lacking in some way. I lived in constant fear that he'd get angry or withhold affection if I displeased him. I'd had to behave like an adult, learn fast, be a mirror to his needs and have a thick skin.

Life was a roller coaster ride, swinging between wanting to be his adoring little helper and then hating him because he was severe or unfair in his chastisement. When I hated him, I want to hate him forever, but I always gave in and then we'd have to pretend it hadn't happened.

I grew up liking many of the things he liked, sharing his values and having very few of my own unless I kept them secret from him or they were outside of his ability. I'd asked my therapist how this had happened so easily and she explained that it was because he'd continually undermined my opinion. I still share many of those values to this day and it annoys the hell out of me.

The Harm it did

I have certainly faired no better than my siblings. eventually all that was left for me was criticism, and it hurt to remember that it's not how it had been. But it's taken me thirty years (and five months of therapy) to recognise that those times had been very damaging to me. They caused a number of adverse traits to be taken into my adult life.

It left me defensive:
The constant fault-finding and perfectionism that I grew up with mean I find it difficult to take any form of criticism.

It left me vulnerable to poisonous relationships:
I thought I had the power to fix any relationship problem. This left accepting one-sided friendships and consenting to a poor position within my marriage.

It drew me to people like my father:
I would seek-out people to control me, compromising my own beliefs, because I'd convinced myself that I wanted to be with strong-minded people, no matter what they did to me.

It left me always ruminating:
You know those nights when you can't sleep, your mind won't turn off as you churn over some event for the umpteenth time. To this day it's still a huge problem to me. How I wish I could just forget all that rubbish and move on with my life.

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